Fancy title... well.... It's just a title guys. Don't fret.. I'm not dying or anything... at least not yet... Missin' writing my fanfics... I need (s)exercises on my English once again... I think my grammar is flowing outta the window as we speak... or type.. symantics! hahaha!

Anyways... I failed a course...Economics... omg. I know.. stupid, right? Who fails economics?? Apparently, it's me.. hahhaha.. I'm takin it up again this March, I just hope by then, I'll get it and hopefully, pass it... Crap... this life sucks...

Oooh.... also, for my stories... well I'm trying to iron out the wrinkles and will be posting Assasin's latest Chapter.... :D Hopefully, someone's still interested in reading it lol...

I know you don't really care about me. I know that you favor YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER more than me.. cause admit it or not.. I'M A FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOUR FUCKING EYE NO MATTER WHAT I DO CAUSE I AINT HER!.. WELL SORRY FOR THAT. I understand that you have a lot of things going on in your fucking life, but here's a fucking headline.. I AM A PART OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE... LIKE IT OR NOT...

You made your fucking choice of living with my disappointment of a presence when you made your choice of bringing me into this fucking world... you said before that I was supposed to be adopted by a doctor... and you didn't give me to her.. well now that is a fucking mistake that you're going to have to live through until you're buried six fucking feet below the fucking ground. I never asked to be like this. I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN AND I KNOW THAT YOU NEVER ASKED FOR ME TO COME TO YOUR LIFE BUT I'M ALREADY HERE. The only fucking thing that I ask for is respect because it doesn't mean that you're the one providing roof over my head and feeding me that I DO NOT FUCKING DESERVE IT.

I'm working hard for you to be fucking proud of me. But you never are. You see all my mistakes, my flaws and my failures... BUT NEVER ONCE DID YOU SEE WHAT I ACHIEVED... and FUCK YOU FOR THAT! Whenever there's a conflict in this fucking family I'm the one who's always stomped on and I HATE YOU FOR THAT! YOU NEVER STOOD UP FOR ME AND YOU DARE CALL YOURSELF A MOTHER?!

Where were you when your daughter was beating the living shit outta me? Where were you when I was crying for you to make everything stop? When you found out about it, did you do anything? THE ANSWER IS FUCKING NO! All you said was that you didn't know! I GAVE YOU A FUCKING LOT OF CHANCE TO SHOW ME I AM NOT WHO SHE SAID I WAS... BUT IT NEVER CAME.. UNTIL I KNEW THAT I AM SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU AND HER COMBINED WHEN IT COMES TO BEING SOMETHING AKIN TO A FUCKING HUMAN BEING! WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS ON THE FLOOR TRYING TO CURL IN ON MY SELF SO THE FIST THAT RAINED DOWN ON ME WON'T HURT SO MUCH?? YOU.. FUCKING YOU WERE THERE HOLDING MY MOUTH SHUT SO THAT I WOUDLN'T WAKE DAD UP! FUCK YOU!

I STILL HAVE FUCKING NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT EVEN UP TO NOW! IT'S WHY I SMOKE... IT'S WHY I DRINK... IT'S WHY I DON'T WANNA SLEEP ALONE! YOU AND YOUR BITCH OF A DAUGHTER DID THIS TO ME! I'M FUCKED INSIDE... I SEE EVERYONE AS FUCKING ANIMALS BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID TO ME. I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE BECAUSE IF I CAN'T TRUST EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT ME UP THEN WHAT MORE DO THE PEOPLE I MET AND WOULD MEET?!

NONE OF YOU DID A GODDAMNED THING WHILE I WAS BEING USED AS A PUNCHING FUCKING BAG! DID ANYONE OF YOU CARE TO SAVE ME?! I WAS A FUCKING KID! NOT MORE THAN 10 YEARS FUCKING OLD... AND YOU HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT I'M FUCKING WRONG!?

the sad thing about this is that... I'm actually greatful for this.... you know what they say when you're going through a rough patch? it's for character building... and you know what?! whatever I am today... it's no fucking thanks to you because I would've reached where I am soon enough..but I guess you wouldn't want that for me, would you? You would rather me have no happy childhood than slowly make my way up to the top...

I know I'm dumb mom.. I can't pass my academics... I have a hard time getting things stuck in my brain.. but you know what... it doesn't matter that I'm fucking stupid because I may not be a valedictorian, I may not be a dean's lister... but I'm far smarter than most fucking people because I know what will make them cringe and fall down on their knees whimpering because I LEARNED FROM THE FUCKING BEST AND THAT'S YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BITCH OF A DAUGHTER! SO FUCK YOU... IF THERE IS HELL... YOU'RE PLACE IS RESERVED THERE AND WHEN I GET THERE MYSELF... I HAVE ETERNITY TO RETURN THE FAVOR OF WHAT YOU AND YOUR FAVORED ONE DID TO ME...

spangel999

Hey hon!!! Been a long while... might wanna update us on how you are doing!! Lol...

happy birthday hon!!! :D

So, whenever I don't attend my classes, I cook something nice. I cooked pasta today... I don't know what it's called, but it has white sauce... but silly me for forgetting to add salt to the sauce... So I had to add some... Then when they tasted it, they gave me a look and said... "You can cook now! You really should go and get married soon..."

I was like... "Huh??"

Hmmm... pfft.. do they think that just because I know how to cook, do the dishes, laundry and other house chores then I'd better go and get married?!?! Jeez... Christ on a fucking Cross!

*grins* not that I'm really pissed about it, but it's just weird... tsk...


OOoh! and today, the workers fixing up the road looked at me funny cause I threw blocks of concrete cause my dad's car is coming... lol... I grazed my fingers which sucked.... but hell, a little pain makes me go wide eye and bushy tail, if I tell you the truth.. lol...

Anyways.. :D Just thought to update you guys on what's been happening to moi... :D And the fics, The Sweetest Sin and Assassin are now being worked on... :D Soooo . may be a week from now? There'll be an update. :D

Sooo.. I joined this organization at the university cause I've got the hots for the advisor.... and then, while I was getting interviewed this afternoon for my Novice position, I found out that HE IS ALREADY MARRIED! Fucking shitty thing! God fucking damned!!!!

*throws a tantrum* I so hate myself right now. Grrr!!!! Hmm.. wonder if I can just hook up with him... * ponders * I know.. Crazy.. but it's not like I'm actually gonna do it... *pouts* or will I?? Hmmm... But he's fucking hot!! Body wise... Hmmm.. yum.. guess he'll just live in my fantasy along with David, James, Jensen, Jared and Misha...

Shitty!!!! at least I actually liked the organization and what we would be doing there.. Thank fuck...

Sooo.. since my last Post.. I have discovered that I soooo fucking love Placebo's french songs... especially Mars Landing Party because it is fucking dirty and Protege Moi, because. it's just fucking hot... Burger Queen doesn't really appeal to me that much cause of the tone, but I also love it nonetheless... That's why.. aside from self studying German.. I'm also doing French... ...

Goddamned! I'm turning ass over tits over these frickin' languages... I am so in love with European Languages!!! no wonder I tried studying Italian... until I've gotten bored.. :P *grins*

Anyways, I've an interview tomorrow to become a Novice, should I pass. lol. :D hee! I feel giddy!

Okayyyyy... It's monday and I didn't attend any of my classes cause one, I was having a bad case of hang over... second...... I felt tooo lazy to bear the heat of the day and feel all icky and whatnot...

lol.. so I spent the whole day slaving in the kitching trying to come up with a brilliant recipie which i failed miserably by the way, i wound up cooking the same thing.... lol

Sooo... I was surfing through cable channels when I came across Dark Angel... I don't know which season it was, but boy, Jensen is such a fine piece of meat.... before I realized it, I was drooling over him and now I'm googling movies and series where in he was there...

*sighs* I can't believe this... he looked hot in the movie Devour. he's just oh sooooo delicious... lol... my friend was with me, and he was looking at me like I'd just grown another head. lol.. what can I say, I like fine hot men named Jensen Ackles.. lol..

I am in fucking pain!!! I had next to no hour of sleep since saturday until Sunday... I was out the whole morning on Sunday, by the way..

And on my way home, I was body slammed to a car by a 180 lbs of muscle, namely Lei.. one of my highschool buddies.. just to tell me that he's moving a couple of blocks away from our house... Christ... IS TEXT MESSAGING NOT AN OPTION!! I slept at around 11 last night... then when I woke up this morning.. my body was a huge mass of pain...

my back hurts like a bitch, my neck's a stiff... typing this entry feels like weight lifting for my biceps...

omg. i'm just gonna lie back after posting this... and try to get some more sleep.

Sooo.. there I was, in bed, watching Supernatural... and I suddenly had a vision! Castiel and Dean... In bed.. Fuckin' hot... but then it's not nearly as hot as Dean and Sam together, but OMG... hothothot.....

*goes back to looking at the telly* soooo hot...

Fucking pending.. I can't continue my stories cause I'm having a writer's block for about 2 years now.. especially the spangel stories I'm writing... The Sweetest Sin is currently on Hiatus... as well as the Assassin.. cause I'm trying to continue writing my original novel, Budding Killer: The Beginning of blood...

*sighs* anyways. last friday, my buddy came over and he wasn't with the girl he was supposed to come with.. what an ass... soo..we spent the whole evening watching movies because he said he wasn't in the mood to do anything else.. I suggested we go to our friend's place and he said he doesn't want to... *sighs* I think he's got a problem that he's not telling me... he's being.... emotionally distant lately... he would stare at me for like twenty minutes straight and I would ask him if there's something wrong, and he would just shrug and look at something else... I'm worried about him...

well isn't this a surprise... usually he only calls me when we're planning a sleep over which happens NEVER or when we're planning an out of town trip with other friends which is once a year... but this! THIS IS A FRIST! I was just waking up and stretching in my comfortable bed(which is my parent's bedroom floor, cause it's the only room here where they have the air-con on...) when my cell phone started buzzing...

I take one look at the screen and couldn't believe what I'm seeing... "Shokoi Calling..." well, I think hell froze over when I ws sleeping. . . I know I should answer it.. but c'mon! I was just wakin' up... however, his insistence ... is pretty much annoying. *Tries to keep a straight face* I could still remember a time when I was the one insisting he call me once or twice in a blue moon, but now that he's constantly trying to bug the living hell out of me... I'm beginning to regret it.. lol...

So... after getting 4 missed calls, I finally answer it.

Him: What the fuck?!
Me: *feigns innocence* What?
Him: I was trying to call you the whole morning! Don't tell me you didn't hear it.. You don't go anywhere without any of your phones!!! *he sounded realy upset*
Me: I was busy!
Him: Right! Were you talking to Lea?
Me: nope... why?
Him: She wanted to go there today...
Me: hmm... sure..
Him: I'm busy I can't take her..
Me: Then just drop her off. I'll give her a ride home.
Him: No! *he's sounding more and more upset...*
Me: Koi, what's wrong? You wanted me to get along with her.. You practically said the reason you brought her over was to see whether I'd get along with her. . . and now you're acting all weird!
Him: I'm not! I just... Lex, Sometimes you're fucking dense...
Me: Me? Dense? what did I do now? We're not gonna have a fight over her! we're done with arguing remember!
Him: we're not arguing... we're just having a discussion... listen if you don't want her to come over, it's fine!
Me: What? I said it's alright! What's going on with us?! *frantic*
Him: Nothing! Nothing's wrong with us...
Me: *heaves a big sigh* Fine... just come over, alone and let's have a couple of drinks later tonight....
Him: alright.
Me: 'k. see ya.
Him: Yeah...

End of phone call... so... he came over a couple of hours later and he brought beers and a bottle of my favorite tequila! So.... I asked him what was really up. and why he's actin' like a hung up ass... and ya know what he told me?? Said it was cause of me...
We're good friends... although we used to have a falling out every two years, but since the last one which was on 2007, we never fought again... and from then, we progressed to this relationship which was greater than friendship but less than lovers kinda thing... we don't really talk about...we don't really talk much about our current happenings... we just talk about the past and what we would do tomorrow or 4 year from now.. or someting else...

He said he wanted to try to see if we might work as something else, I told him I don't want to risk it just yet.. why can't we just enjoy with what we have right now instead of complicating it further? I mean, yeah I do feel something for him, I love him, to a point.. and yes I find him sexually attractive... cause he's a fine piece of meat! lol! however, I know myself far too much to know that I won't be able to commit..... pfft.. I told him we could still just fuck if he wanted to sate his lust.. or something... just not a relationship like that...

He stared me right in the eye before he went down laughing... the fucking asshole made we worry my fucking head off and he told me he was just fucking around cause we.. apparently have become dull since we swore we'd stop arguing over little things... Jesus fucking christ. do you guys know that my heart was pounding a mile a minute while we were talking?! I mean, OMG!!!! And he just laughed things off and said he was just spicing up our time since things have gotten sooo boring..

I had the urge to punch him while we were on the balcony and he was watching me smoke... but before I could get a punch in, he grabbed me into a bear hug. I didn't know how long we stood, but I suddenly got teary eyes... lol... Fucking ass... I'm gonna get him back someday!

Him: Hey Lex, what do you think about the chick I brought over last week?
Me: She's cute...
Him: Just cute? Would you get along with her?
Me: ... she's hot... I like her... so I'm guessng yeah...
him: *sounds deflated* oh..
Me: Why? *curiousity perked up*
Him: Nothin' just askin'...
Me: *smirks* When are you planning to bring her over again? I enojyed talking to her!
Him: Maybe never...
Me: WHY?!
Him: ...
Me: I thought you wanted us to get along?
Him: I do... just not that close..
Me: What do you mean?
Him: You seem to enjoy her presence...
Me: well. you introduced her to me and hoped I would get along with her and now that I do like her... you're sulking.. again, I ask why...
Him: Nevermind... We'll go there maybe this friday... after my work..
Me: okay...
Him: Okay... So?
Me: So?
Him: So, should the one of us wouldn't be able to make it, who would you prefer it to be?
Me: Uhmm...
Him: C'mon.. just.. hypothetically...
Me: well, I'd rather have you.... cause I know you better and I'm sure I can entertain you ...
Him: *sounded weirdly cheerful* Okay!
Me: What's happening to you?!
Him: Nothing! Nothing! Okay, see you Friday. Bye!!!

The line went dead... and I was left dumbfounded! he's pretty fucking weird...

okay. so I'm on my placebo week... and I haven't had my period yet.. I've had like a drop of blood and then nothing... and the weather is sooo friggin' hot...

Urgh...

This got me thinkin'...I should really stop taking the pills.. firstly, my guy friend who's over protective of me doesn't like it... and wants me to stop doing the casual sex thing.. which I'm contemplating on stopping too.. and secondly, my surrogate mum said that it isn't really good for me so I should just stop especially if I'm not bugged by my previous periods (before I started taking the pills).

Sooo... I guess I'm not taking the pills anymore.... lol. . . I'm still bugged about my period though... the placebos would be gone by tuesday and I'm worried... I might've fucked up my system or I'm pregnant or something.. gee.. hope I didn't ....

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Extreme
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Title: Assassin Part 4
Author: A.Aurelius
Fandom: AtS/BtVS
Pairing: Spangel (Angel/Spike)
Rating: frao
Disclaimer: Not mine, owned by Fox.... and M.E.

( Chapter Four )

I was watching Ben10 with my little brother a couple of days ago... and I was flabbergastered with its episode.... Ben got pregnant... I was like... OMG should they really be showing that kind of ideas to kids?!?

anyways... my friend came over and we got to talkin... about anal sex... he's a guy mind u..

Him: so, how'd it feel?
Me: how'd what feel? *stare back on the tv*
Him: being taken from behind..
Me: *stares at him incredulously* What?!?
Him: *shrugs* You haven't tried it before?
Me: no...
Him: *snickers*
Me: Why? Should I say I did, and it felt good, would u do it too?
Him: *looks at me straight in the eyes* yeah
Me: *confused* you'd let someone stick something up your ass?!
Him: *scandalized* NO! I mean i'd consider fucking a girl from behind...
Me: oh..

My friggin' body aches like hell... I'm never having a marathon sex anymore... well...maybe not sometime soon... but definitely later...Urgh. I gotta get me some pills... I don't know if the pull-out method is gonna work... Yesterday afternoon was my first time fucking with no condoms at all... we fucked 3 times in 4 hours.... he pulled out when he felt that he was near cumming... it was thoughtful, really, but I don't want to risk it.. lol

is it true that if I'm on the pills, I shouldn't smoke.. cause.. I don't think I can do it....